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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040829">My Whole Existence Is Flawed</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamity_Hero_Awakens/pseuds/Calamity_Hero_Awakens'>Calamity_Hero_Awakens</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Closer [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Saw (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath of Torture, Amputation, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Torture, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, Kidnapping, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Sad with a Happy Ending, Serious Injuries, Torture, Trauma, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:15:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23040829</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamity_Hero_Awakens/pseuds/Calamity_Hero_Awakens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how Adam thought it out, he kept arriving at the conclusion that they were both players in the game as well as victims of it. Another thought stuck with Adam though. As livid as the doctor had been, after he had sawed off his own foot, he had used precious energy just to crawl to Adam, just to touch him and comfort him.</p><p>"I wouldn't lie to you," Lawrence had said.</p><p>Adam was counting on that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam Faulkner-Stanheight/Lawrence Gordon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Closer [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1694818</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Whole Existence Is Flawed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>All Adam had left to cling to was hope. Lawrence was gone, the only things left of him were the photos scattered across the floor, the wallet he had abandoned, the large puddle and trail of his blood, and his severed foot which remained chained to the pipe that had held him captive. He couldn't think about the bloody, discerped limb or he knew he'd be sick.</p><p>Huddled up against the pipes in the corner, Adam tried not to think about how disgusting the room smelled. A severed limb, decomposing corpse, and toilets full of shit didn't exactly make the room smell too pleasant. It also didn't help that he had stuck his hand into one of those toilets. Not that it really mattered anyway. Both of his arms - and a majority of the rest of his body - was covered in blood. Most of it had dried but the wound in his shoulder continued to slowly trickle the liquid. If only that was the only injury he had.</p><p>Aside from the bullet in his right shoulder, Adam's throat was ineffably raw and his right ankle was broken. After the light had been turned off and the door slid closed, the man had screamed for literal hours. He wanted out. He wanted to be set free. He wanted Lawrence to come back and save him. He wanted everything to simply be a horrendous dream. Once it had become obvious that he wasn't going to be freed, Adam had begun yanking at the chain, tugging his foot at all angles to try and free himself. He had ended up breaking his ankle, but not enough to crush the jutting bone so that he could slip his foot free of his shackles.</p><p>Thinking of the injury in his foot made Adam think of Lawrence. What if the doctor was there? What if the circumstances were different, albeit not by much? Would Lawrence wrap his injury? Explain to Adam what he had hurt in that condescending, nearly unbearable voice all doctors possessed? Would he leave Adam like he had done in reality? The thought made his stomach lurch and he forced himself to think of something else. Nothing positive came to mind and eventually, Adam fell asleep with the mental image of the severed foot that had been lost in the dark.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>How long had it been since the doctor had left? Hours? Days? It couldn’t have been too long, but it still felt like it. The clock against the wall was lost in the darkness but it was all the same. Even if he had known the time, he had no way of knowing whether it was morning or night.</p><p>A deep growl sounded from within Adam’s gut and he wrapped his good arm around his midsection, willing his angry stomach to relent to no avail. His body continued to sound its protest to the lack of food it was receiving, drawing a pained groan from Adam. Of all the problems he was currently having, hunger was not one he needed (not that he needed any more). A sick thought struck him and the thought alone was nearly enough to make him vomit. No, there was no way he could do it, not even if he wanted to (and he most definitely did not want to).</p><p>Agonizing hours passed with the pains in Adam’s stomach only growing more intense. Where was Lawrence? He had to have escaped by now. <em>Yes, yes, he has escaped!</em> Adam told himself. <em>He’s telling the police right now and they’ll be here to get me any minute!</em> He wouldn’t have to starve much longer. He wouldn’t have to sit in the darkness, starving, cold, and covered in blood and tears and shit for much longer. Any minute now, the police and a medical team would appear to take him away from his hell. Any minute now.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>The incessant gnawing in his gut slowly compounded until Adam was nearly mad with hunger. However, though his stomach was begging to be fed, Adam still felt sick as he felt around in the darkness with his left hand until he found what he was looking for. A strong wave of nausea hit him and he had to force himself to take deep breaths to keep the feeling at bay. With shaking hands, the brunette ripped the clothing to better expose the body on the floor. Even though he couldn’t see, he didn’t need to see to know what he was doing. Quite frankly, he was exceedingly glad he couldn’t see at the moment.</p><p>Adam drew in several deep breaths but found he couldn’t stop his entire body from shaking nor his pulse from racing as he picked up one of the dead man’s limbs. Trying to focus his thoughts on something more pleasant, Adam pictured meat. A burger, a steak, pork chops, hot dogs, any kind of meat he had eaten before. With a clear mental image in his head, the starving man sunk his teeth into the arm of the deceased man on the floor, making sure his canines cut through the thick skin. Immediately, blood flooded his mouth and he thought he might vomit. However, some primal instinct kept the sick feeling at bay as he began to chew the piece of flesh he had ripped from the body beside him.<br/>The shaking of his body never relented as he ate and when he had finally finished, it took all of his strength not to immediately vomit his meal. At long last, his stomach had silenced and he was full but in the most heavy and sickening way. Taking the edge of his stiff, disgusting shirt, Adam wiped his mouth of the blood that covered it. He felt absolutely filthy in a way he had never experienced before and it nearly made him see red.</p><p>Jigsaw - that was what the news was calling him? - had done this to him. The man he had killed, Zep was his name? He had done this to him. And then of course, Lawrence had abandoned him.</p><p>The thought of sitting in a disgusting bathroom, covered in blood and wasting away, was not an appealing thought but Adam had to admit to himself that he deserved it. He had screwed himself in more than one way in the past few days and it was all coming back to bite him at once. If only he hadn’t taken those photos of the doctor. If only he’d shared what he’d known with Lawrence before he could find out and be upset with him. The surgeon was right in being angry with him. He deserved to be shot and left in that shithole and that’s exactly what was happening.</p><p>No, Lawrence couldn’t abandon him. Not now. He had promised to get help. He had promised. Adam had to decide if his sins outweighed his worth and if he truly deserved to be forgiven. The only question that mattered was, was the doctor too angry to forgive Adam or would he keep true to his word to help him?<br/>Lawrence had been so angry. He had yelled at him, shot him, called him names.</p><p>"You're a terrible liar," the doctor had said when Adam had been caught lying.</p><p>And all Adam could manage was the lame response of, "You say that like you know me."</p><p>When things had gotten worse, Lawrence had yelled, "You know what, Adam? You're not a victim of this game, you're part of it!" And as much as Adam hated it, maybe he was right. Between the two of them, everything was so complicated, and no matter how Adam thought it out, he kept arriving at the conclusion that they were both players in the game as well as victims of it.</p><p>Another thought stuck with Adam though. As livid as the doctor had been, after he had sawed off his own foot, he had used precious energy just to crawl to Adam, just to touch him and comfort him.</p><p>"Don't worry. I'll bring someone back. I promise." Those words stuck with him more than anything else the two had said during their eight hours locked up together.</p><p>"Are we gonna be okay?" Adam had asked when Lawrence had looked back at him from the doorway. A pause had ensued as the doctor thought of the proper response before settling on one.</p><p>"I wouldn't lie to you."</p><p>Adam was counting on that.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>Though Adam still had no way of keeping track of time, he knew he had been alone for days now. Curled up in a ball, arms wrapped around his legs which were drawn up to his chest, Adam rested his forehead against his knees. A sudden tune popped into his head, a song he hadn’t heard in over a year, and he had no idea why. With the tune running through his head over and over, Adam tried to come up with some lyrics. Eventually, his mind produced the lines “I said, ‘Don’t let your future be destroyed by my past’ / She said, ‘Don’t let my door hit your ass’,” perhaps the least helpful thing his brain had ever done. Immediately following that, his mind regurgitated the single line, “Don’t leave me all alone,” and that in and of itself nearly had Adam in tears. His exhausted mind couldn’t think of the artist or much else about the song but that was for the best.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>All Adam could think about was Lawrence. Everything led back to the handsome doctor and Adam would much rather think about him than anything else that tried to command his attention. At that point, he knew it had been days since he had last seen a trace of light or had any human interaction. When the silence became too much to bear, his ears would pick up the sound of the second hand on the clock ticking until his brain tuned out the sound once again.</p><p>Lawrence. Lawrence Gordon. No, <em>doctor</em> Lawrence Gordon. The blonde haired, blue eyed oncologist with a wife named Alison and a daughter named Diana. A man whose marriage was falling apart and not even because he was having an affair. A man who loved his daughter more than anything but somehow rarely found the time to show her that.</p><p>Adam wasn’t sure which was worse: hoping that the doctor would get a divorce so he could make a move or secretly yearning for him instead. It was true that he didn’t personally know the doctor and he hadn’t spent any time with him outside of the bathroom, but that hadn’t seemed to matter. After just a few days of following the surgeon and taking photographs of him, Adam was hooked; everything about Lawrence had drawn Adam in. When he had first awoken in the bathroom, the past 24 hours had seemed like a blur, but eventually, everything had come back (and all at once).</p><p>The touch of their foreheads after Lawrence had dragged himself across the filthy floor had only added fuel to the fire. The action hadn’t been sensual or even romantic and Adam had not interpreted it that way; nonetheless, he still craved to feel it again. He yearned to once more have the comforting touch of someone he knew - though one could argue that he still truly didn’t know the doctor - but the familiar touch would be made that much better if it occurred in somewhere other than that godforsaken bathroom.</p><p>Physically weak and locked in a room that stunk of death, Adam knew he was absolutely pitiful to begin with, and that wasn’t even considering the fact that he was stuck obsessing over a man he couldn’t have. Of all the times to be hopelessly lovestruck, this was the absolute worst.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>With his entire body curled up tight, Adam’s muscles were stiff and simply breathing hurt. The expansion of his lungs which caused the slight stretch in the muscles in his abdomen was painful. Even without the pain though, Adam found it difficult to take much more than a shallow breath, holding it for as long as he comfortably could.</p><p>The initial chill of the room hadn’t bothered Adam, especially when he had been preoccupied with Lawrence, but once he was left all alone, the temperature had only continued to drop. Somewhere, the shirt he had abandoned hours ago was laying about, but that didn’t matter much. His body was too tired and stiff to move much from his position but even if he’d been able to, he knew he wouldn’t have been able to get his right arm through the sleeve. If he’d had better mobility, he could have rubbed his arms. They were covered in blood and sticky but it would have been better than freezing.</p><p>Crouched in an uncomfortable position, it was only a matter of time before the circulation in his limbs began to slow or stop altogether. The cold air bit at his exposed skin, eventually making a large portion of his body numb. <em>Freezing to death is not the most enjoyable way to die</em>, Adam concluded, <em>but it could be worse.</em></p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>“He’s bringing someone back. He’s getting help. He wouldn’t lie to me. Wouldn’t lie, wouldn’t lie. Getting police. Going to save me. Going to be okay. He wouldn’t lie. He promised. He promised, he promised, he promised…”</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>The loud sound of metal scraping metal had Adam’s eyes cracking open just the slightest. His dilated eyes were blinded as the lights in the room flicked on, lighting the entire room with an unnatural, fluorescent glow. Adam closed his eyes and weakly nuzzled his face further into his knees to block out the harsh light. His consciousness had faded in and out continuously and he had no idea how long it had been since he had been left to rot away. His head was full of static and his ears rang, making it difficult to hear the sound of several pairs of feet entering the room all at once.</p><p>He thought he might have heard voices talking but any insignificant thought such as that was tossed straight out the window as soon as hands began to touch him. Even in his weak state, he managed to lightly squirm away from the strangers’ touch as their hands drifted lightly over his hunched form. By that point, every part of his body hurt. His shoulder and ankle throbbed, his throat burned, his back ached, his legs, arms, and neck were stiff and mostly numb, and yet he couldn’t find the energy to care.</p><p>The sound of metal biting through metal momentarily piqued Adam’s curiosity but he didn’t care enough to investigate. After remaining stationary for days, his chained ankle had become relatively numb, something he was grateful for. As several pairs of hands began to reposition his body, the throbbing pain in his ankle returned. Gloved hands straightened out his right leg - causing his arms to slip and his right shoulder to resume throbbing - before Adam heard the recurring sound of metal crunching metal. Seconds later, the thick metal ring around his ankle was pried open and removed. Though he tried to stay awake, the sudden shift of his body as people began to move him was too much and Adam lost consciousness.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>The next time Adam Faulkner awoke, he was greeted with the second most beautiful sight he had ever seen: a hospital room. Never had he thought he would be grateful for such a thing, yet there he was. The walls were an ugly beige with stereotypical white trim and the closed curtains matched but to Adam, it was absolutely beautiful.</p><p>The second thing his mind realised was that he was no longer stuck in that bathroom, but Lawrence was still missing. Being incredibly weak, it was difficult to simply sit up let alone stand, yet Adam somehow managed to accomplish both tasks, the feat made even more impressive considering he only had one hand to push himself up with; his right shoulder was bandaged and his arm was in a sling. Standing immediately made him dizzy and applying pressure to his broken ankle hurt (though not nearly as much as he thought it would) but the dizziness lasted only a short moment before he was untangling the tubes that were attached to his body and beginning to head toward the door.</p><p>Dragging the pole from which the IV bags were suspended, Adam slowly made his way toward the door to his room, carefully opening it when he arrived there. A loud alarm had begun to sound as soon as he had tried to stand up but he ignored it in favour of searching for Lawrence. He had been injured as well, so he must be in the hospital too, right?<br/>After making his way to a nurse’s station, Adam inquired as to Lawrence’s whereabouts. His throat was still raw and whatever painkillers they were pumping into him had him spaced out a little but the request still made it past his lips. The man mumbled instructions to another nurse - “Faulkner’s heart rate is increasing. Will you please go check on him?” - before looking up to see that the patient in question was standing right in front of him.</p><p>“You should be in bed!” he exclaimed before calling back the nurse who had headed towards Adam’s room. The two nurses helped Adam into a wheelchair before returning him to his room.</p><p>“Lawrence,” Adam infirmly groaned as he was helped up from the chair. As the nurses tried to make him lay back down, he began to fight back. He was hurting physically and emotionally and he needed Lawrence, not more sleep.</p><p>Swinging his good arm, Adam clocked the male nurse and sent both of them tumbling to the floor. Tears sprung into Adam’s eyes from the overwhelming physical pain and intense wave of emotion and he was quickly reduced to sobbing on the floor. Through blurry eyes, Adam saw one of the nurses disappear and reappear a few moments later with a doctor. Something was injected into his IV before Adam was asleep again.</p><p>🔗🔗🔗🔒🔗🔗🔗</p><p>When Adam awoke for the umpteenth time, it was the first time in days that he wasn’t alone. A brunette nurse was standing beside the bed, looking bored as she checked the information supplied on the digital machine that Adam was hooked up to. When she realized her patient was awake and watching her, a small smile appeared on her face.</p><p>“How are you feeling?”</p><p>“Where’s Lawrence?” Adam immediately asked. His throat still hurt but it wasn’t near as raw as it had been before.</p><p>“He’s resting in his room. He underwent surgery a few days ago.</p><p>“I need to see him,” Adam insisted, using his free hand to push himself up.</p><p>“You should really be res-”</p><p>“I don’t need to fucking rest. I need to see Lawrence,” Adam cut her off. The nurse stood in silence for a moment before sighing.</p><p>“I’ll see if he’s up for visitors,” she said before heading towards the door, leaving Adam in suspense. Several minutes passed with Adam occupying himself by listening to his heart beat on the monitor beside him before the nurse returned with a colleague.</p><p>“Do you want to visit doctor Gordon?” the first nurse asked, receiving a fervent nod from Adam.</p><p>With the help of the two nurses, Adam made it into a wheelchair, waiting patiently as one of the nurses moved the IV bags to the pole connected to the back of the chair. Once he was completely situated, the second nurse - a tired looking blonde in orange scrubs - began to push him from the room and down the hall. The farther down the hall they went, the faster Adam’s heart began to beat.</p><p>Did Lawrence want to see him? Was he still angry at him? He couldn’t be too angry, considering he had rescued Adam. Then again, perhaps he had only done that to keep his promise. Maybe his revenge would come in another form, though Adam figured that was unlikely. If he had truly been angry at Adam, he would have left him to die in that bathroom. The man had lost part of his leg because of him so the fact that he still saved him had to be proof that he wasn’t truly angry. He might be mad - and with good cause - but he wasn’t angry enough to leave Adam to rot away.</p><p>Finally, the nurse stopped at one of the doors. It looked like every other one on the floor but Adam felt that it was in some way special. The nurse knocked lightly on the door and Adam was immediately graced with the most beautiful sound in the world.</p><p>“Come in.”</p><p>Gripping the fabric of his hospital gown with his good hand, Adam shifted in his seat as the nurse opened the door and pushed him inside. The door was closed behind them before the nurse pushed her patient fully into the room where he could finally see the doctor-turned-patient.</p><p>What was he to say? What was there to say? What could he possibly say to apologize? To thank him? Words could never be enough, Adam realised, and for a long moment, neither said anything. In Adam’s opinion, enough had been said in the bathroom and this was the one time that words weren’t needed. Talking could wait.</p><p>“You can go now,” the man said, his eyes locked with Adam’s, and it took the other man a long moment to realise he was talking to the nurse. After pushing her patient closer to the hospital bed, the nurse left, the door clicking closed behind her and for the second time, the two men were left alone. Minutes passed with the two just staring at each other and Adam felt overwhelmed.</p><p>Lawrence was alright. He had made it out and gotten help for himself as well as Adam. However, the first thing Adam realised about the doctor was how good he looked. From the moment they had woken up in that room, chained to the walls, the doctor had looked deathly pale. It could have simply been the harsh lighting but somehow, Adam knew it wasn’t. The last time the brunette had seen the blonde, his skin had been nearly white, save for the blood pouring from his leg and splattered across his face and arms. That image was burned into Adam’s mind and with the doctor sitting in front of him now, his skin a healthy colour and his eyes holding life in them, it was difficult to imagine that the two images were of the same person.</p><p>Staring at each other in silence, the teary-eyed doctor gave Adam a weary, apologetic, distraught smile. Just that simple action had tears brimming in the brunette’s eyes. For only a moment longer, the two continued to stare at each other. Lawrence’s eyes drifted from the bandage peeking out under the neckline of Adam’s hospital gown to the sling supporting his right arm to the cast encasing his right foot.</p><p>“Oh Adam...”</p><p>The dam behind Adam’s eyes burst, tears flooding down his cheeks. He didn’t even care. He felt like he had cried so much in just the past few days but it still wasn’t enough. He wasn’t sure if it would ever be enough. It didn’t matter though. All that mattered was that Lawrence was okay and he was currently holding out his arms for Adam.</p><p>Fiercely wiping the tears from his face, Adam grabbed the edge of the bed to steady himself as he stood up on his good leg. Tears streaming down his face, Adam shifted until he could sit on the edge of the bed. With the way his jaw clenched, it was obvious that it hurt Lawrence to move much. Nevertheless, he managed to slide over just enough to make enough space for the two of them on the tiny, uncomfortable mattress.</p><p>Laying on his left side, Adam rested his head against Lawrence’s right shoulder, maneuvering his arm out of the sling so that he could rest it across the blonde’s chest. His shoulder screamed in pain as the stitches were stretched but held fast. Being extra mindful of Lawrence’s right leg, Adam slowly rested his right leg over the doctor’s waist, cuddling up to him. He yearned to be comforted, to be held, to be told everything was alright, and Lawrence seemed in need of the same thing.</p><p>“I promised you I’d come back,” the doctor said as the brunette nuzzled his face into his shoulder.</p><p>“I knew you would,” Adam quietly replied and then the two fell silent again. He didn’t know if the blonde would return his affections but at the moment, it didn’t matter to him. He was being held and, in turn, was holding the doctor, and that seemed to be enough. Later, they would have to talk, and later still, Adam would have to work up the courage to inquire as to what their relationship was, even if the doctor was married. Until then, they were content to close their eyes and feel the heat of each other as they drifted off to sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I watched "Saw" again (only for the 3rd time) and felt like writing some angst afterwards. Ta-da.</p><p>Title taken from the song "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails which really reminds me of my favourite traumatized boys, and the song mentioned in the story is “Don’t Leave Me” by Blink-182. Honestly, when I think “Adam Faulkner”, I think Blink-182.</p><p>My first work in this fandom so feedback, comments, and kudos are appreciated 💖</p></blockquote></div></div>
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